Testing The Timber of My Heart

Required Thursday night listening:

     I should probably go ahead and mention that this might not make sense. I should probably mention that im not in my normal state. I should probably mention that this might be a little cliche, and you should just let me say it anyways. but i'll save my breath. I won't tell you how hard this year is. or how I'm running on coffee, oatmeal, and hope. I wont tell you the last time I think i took a shower or ate a real meal or got more than 4 hours of sleep. I wont tell you how easily frustrated i am these days. instead, Ill tell you of the times that I pleaded for God to show me what I'm made of. not because im cocky, but because i wanted to know the girl He's made. I wanted to see how strong she is because of him. I wanted to see my limits. Well... He is showing me day by day. He is testing the timber of my heart, indeed.

     I restlessly shlump from class to class. I try my hardest to keep my eyes open thinking I can cram a little more knowledge in there. I try and love others as he loves me. I fail him. I ask for forgiveness, pick up my cross and continue to walk. but this race has gotten hard. Life has hit me on every side. and yet I am still here. I am still going. somehow. so this is who I am. this is what im made of. Im not doing every little thing right, but im trying. I am falling short every single day but I know it's okay. I know it's okay because in the quiet hours of the night as I walk to my car, Jesus whispers through the frost and says "I still love you." And in all honesty, I think that's how Im still able to wake up and continue walking this path. It's his love that has me taking a step at a time. 

    Tonight, I will probably be up till the early hours studying. and I will probably sleep in the clothes I am currently wearing. and I will probably wake up late for school and rush off, coffee in hand of course. and I will probably cry more times than I'd like to mention before the end of exams. but all of these things are okay. because in the midst of this madness, Jesus says, "I still love you." 

Here's to challenges, to struggles, and to Jesus. Who loves me still.