I'm. In.

I dont know if this is ever gonna stop, 

ever gonna stop, ever gonna stop.

You know, I've been trying to figure out the right way to say this for such a long time. Trying to find some eloquently beautiful way to say these three words: life. is. hard. 

So, I want to strip down the facade, I want to strip away all that my mind has learned, and instead I am going to try and give you my heart in it's most purest form.

I have been trying. I wake up with a promise of a good day. and in the midst of the hustle and bustle I forget about Jesus. and I climb into my bed feeling broken and defeated, feeling like I failed the kingdom. I try so hard to be enough. for everyone. and normally at this point I would tell you that it's all okay because I've been leaning in to Jesus. but if I'm being honest, I haven't been. but the good news is that God is calling me away from all of this.

God is pursuing the broken me up there. He is committed to this relationship. He says "I'm. In." and this knocks me off my feet. because I am still stuck on the fact that I am not worthy of love. that I didn't do enough during the day to earn his perfect love. The question to myself is when will I finally let this truth hit me so hard that it knocks this head knowledge right into my heart.

Well maybe this is the beginning. Maybe this is when God grabs my hand just as I am about to sink much like Peter in the crashing sea.

I can feel him sometimes. gently calling me out of my old story, out of my brokenness. Sometimes I can feel his tight grip around my hand. and this isn't some creepy exaggeration. No, this is the picture of a girl who cant seem to stop encountering Jesus, even when she isnt focused on him.

you see, I am realizing how desperate I am for him. some days I wake up in the morning crying to God because i can't even lift my head. I can't do any of this on my own. I can't love people, I can't let others in, I can't have grace on people when they hurt me over and over again. But the guy who pursues me can.

so im trying. im learning. im beginning to see how he is shattering my story and calling me into HIS story. im going to stop trying to control control control and just trust him. It feels weird at first though, kind of uneasy. but it's a very good place to be. a very good place indeed.

how great it is to serve a God who loves us relentlessly, who steps into the hard places and says "i dont care what you've done, i love you right here. right now."

so yeah. I'm In because He's In.