The Great Perhaps (and other thoughts on life)

The closest thing I've had to a Great Perhaps in a long time.

This one's for you guys.

"hold my loving arms, my loving arms are for you."

       

       Well, you know me and my books. They steal my heart with every page turn. I just finished Looking For Alaska by John Green. If you have not read it, you should. It will change your life. ok. It may not change your life, but it sure will move you to a new state. With every book I read, I am compelled to try and apply the point to my life. This book though, had me in a different place. I was not compelled to find enlightenment in my own life with the point of this novel. no. I was forced to look at the real reality of my life. and take every detail for what it is and not what I may think it means. and as I began to look at my life, I was interrupted by a text from a sweet friend. You see, we have a history, this friend and I. A tradition, if you will. No words. just songs. We communicate through music, and I must tell you, it is a beautiful relationship. Somehow, we can tell when the other needs a song. sometimes the perfect song pops up and I immediately think of her and send it to her. more often than not, it is just what she needed to hear. I only know this because it's the same for me. and tonight, I needed those songs. So I invite you into my thoughts for the night. but first, I know you are wondering what these songs are. Dancing Shoes and Out Of The Storm both by Green River Ordinance. Now time for thoughts.

       Night time is the most sobering time of the day. Everything becomes real and the air is thick with the dust of the day. Everything sinks into you and then it hits you. That feeling that is no longer a stranger to me, but has instead become a familiar face this past school year. He rode me piggyback for so long and I shrugged him off time and time again. and with every little shrug, he seemed to fade and fade and fade. but he was still there, the feeling is still here. It sits quietly in the back of my heart and sighs a soft sigh. Its the feeling of longing. of missing something, someone.

      I have lost much. but I have gained much in return. I have loved more than I thought I ever could. and I have felt more broken than I thought possible. But I am alive. God. I am alive. and I have these hands. hands that can hold others. and give. and work. and in times of desperation, but also in times of thanksgiving, Hands that fold together in prayer. and I have feet. feet that will me to walk. and will my heart to walk till I find something, (or as my book calls it) The Great Perhaps. What that is, I have not yet discovered, but for now I have to live in what is now.

     There are many things in my life I cannot ignore. I cannot ignore the ever-growing need to get on a plane and fly home. I cannot ignore the fact that I miss every single one of my "seniors" so much that my body aches. I cannot ignore the fact that sometimes life just sucks for no reason. but I refuse to ignore the hope in everything. I refuse to ignore the beautiful side of life. Just look at everything around you. stop. stop reading this. and look around for a second. breathe. you hear that? its the sound of life. and that is beautiful. 

      In my book, Life becomes so sobering for the characters that it is impossible to ignore the realness in my own life. of how desperate and broken and magnificent and awe-inspiring life really is. and this. this gives me hope. hope in longing for something or someone, but still having the courage to stand up and be happy. 

I dont know about you. but I love this imperfect life of mine. because even through the struggling, I am still alive. I am alive. and I am called to love others for the rest of my days. anyways, that's what I'm good at, loving. so this is me. calling you. to wake up. and realize your life. stand up and be happy. you wont have all the answers sometimes, but the beauty is in the ambiguity. Miss the people you miss. and love the people that are in your life. and venture out into The Great Perhaps. then maybe you will find life as sobering as I feel right now. just maybe.

to those I miss: you guided my feet and my heart to this moment in time. I can't thank you enough for the wisdom and love you showered me with. I am a changed person because of you. "I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)"

 shosholoza - em

links to songs: Dancing Shoes and Out Of The Storm