Crooked Posture

"You try your hardest to leave the past alone

This crooked posture is all you’ve ever known

It is the consequence of living in between

The weight of family and the pull of gravity"

Tonight I feel the heaviness of the real meaning behind living in between. Much like the song says, I feel both the weight of my home and and the pull of my reality in that I can't stay in Murfreesboro forever. This has been the most bizarre break I have ever experienced, but in all ways was it GOOD. 

I came back feeling...well...like I didn't want to be back. I was settled in Knoxville. and I felt like a foreigner in my own home town. So in the beginning, I was counting down the days till my return. Just waiting for the day I got to pack up and go back to school. But now that the time has come, I see a shift in my heart. 

So much has happened over break. which is funny because someone told me: "A lot can happen over christmas break. you never know." I half believed them. and now here I am, in a completely different walk of life since I last stepped foot in Knoxville. I have become more brave and I am processing through a lot and I am working on becoming more vulnerable with those around me. 

Some time over break, I started to feel like this place was home again. I could feel my bones waking up to the love I once found on these small city streets in down town Murfreesboro. I have settled into the feeling of being protected by my parents once more. I remember people, and people remember me. 

That's why, now, I am nervous about going back. I feel like I might have to settle in to Knoxville once more. It's no secret that I won't be in the comfort of my parents or people who know the deep parts of me, but that's okay. Now, I can give people in Knoxville the chance to know the deep parts of me and hand my heart over to them as I have done so often before. 

I know this feeling won't ever stop. and if I'm being honest, It's been happening ever since I fell in love with a people and country 8,422 miles away from "home". I've been living in between ever since, giving my heart over to people and places all around the globe. I feel like I am constantly hugging and saying hello and waving goodbye and that has left me in a sort of crooked posture. I am bent from everywhere I have ended up. coming and going never ceases. I guess that's the consequence of living in between, eh?

So here's to another journey. To bravery. and to Murfreesboro. May you stay the same through my constant coming and going. i love you old pal.

-Em