I Am Not

The past two weeks have really tried to get the best of me. They have won a few battles here and there, but they have not won the war. On one particular occasion last week, I thought I was done for. My students at work talked about how much they dislike me, I had failed an exam for a class I have already taken once, and was on the brink of a major anxiety attack with my next exam in less than 24 hours. At the time, my thoughts went from "I must be stupid to fail an exam twice" to "am I liked by anyone?" In my world, this was a day of catastrophic failure because I hadn't seemed to do anything right and yet I felt like God was asking more of me. How could He ask MORE when I couldn't even handle a little? I figured I just wasn't cut out for the ministry life. You know that verse about someone who is faithful with little will be given much (Luke 12:48 -thanks MC): yeah, I felt in that moment that I was at the bottom of the list for people who should be given much. 

But when I was thinking on books that I have read and want to read again, the book I Am Not but I Know I Am by Loui Giglio crossed my mind. and right there in the title it dawned on me. I AM NOT BUT I KNOW I AM. Let's back this train up for a second. Loui says in his book:

"Admitting we are not God - not in control, not running anything, not responsible for everyone's well-being, not the solution for everything and everyone, not at the center of all things - doesn't belitte us; it frees us."

I got so caught up in trying to do it all: college, sports, friends, community, serving, & trying to fulfill my own hearts desires on top of loving God with my whole being. When I failed at one thing and subsequently everything else began to fall off the shelf, I assumed the fetal position and accepted my place as a loser - a failure - a burden. 

When we believe those lies about us, the enemy comes in full force to destroy anything else he can because he has been given a wide open door into the vulnerable parts of our hearts. So how is it that we guard our hearts from the enemy without making it a lockbox that even Jesus can't get into? I think it's in reminding ourselves who we are and who we are not.

The truth of the matter is, we are not the center of the universe. We are not owed anything. We do not deserve anything. And the most freeing part of it all is that we do not have to be everything for everyone. we are not in control. and if you're anything like me, that scares you a little. but it does not lower our self-esteem, it gives us space to breathe. 

It's also true that we are important. We are beloved. We are chosen, fought for, known, and deeply & intimately seen by our creator. He breathed life into us. He chases after us. and we are His forever. 

Another truth is that God does ask more from those that He calls. Though God asks more of us, it is to bring us closer in dependence with Him. He knows that we are not enough - that's why Jesus came in the flesh. He doesn't need us to pick the world up and carry it all by ourselves. He just wants us to come and rest. He is asking for more of our heart. More of our trust. More of our plans. More of the control we think we have.

If we hold fast to the truth that He has written in scripture, than there can be no room for the enemy. No foothold, no nothing. He is rendered useless. All because we choose to believe what God says about us and refuse to buy in to the lies Satan tries to convince us of. 

Can guarding our hearts really be that simple? 

It can be if we allow it to permeate every aspect of our life. 

Would you live differently if you believed the truth of who you are and who you are not?

Em