Find the Floor

"You've never lost if you've learned. 

You've never failed if you've let your feet 

find the floor again come morning."

I have to remind myself every day to slow down. Somewhere deep inside is this constant desire to run. Run from the always and what ifs. Both of which I find terrifying. With that, I have to remind myself that I am getting better every day. I am not who I used to be. Somedays things are so simple and loving seems easy. Other days, I pound my fists and wrinkle my eyebrows at the complexity of human relationships.

Every day is another day of learning, every day we are getting better.

About a week and a half ago, I was driving to Knoxville for  Ignite Outdoors. With tired eyes and a weary soul, I tumbled into training an hour late only to be greeted by 17 smiling TLs [all whom I love dearly]. Spending time with them laughing was God's simple way of reminding me "hey I'm still here and I still love you. every little thing is gonna be okay." and so I was able to let my feet find the floor for the next morning.

but things didn't get better. I was late once more. I was sick. and I was just about ready to throw in the towel for the day when Sean gave me a hug and reassured me that every thing was fine. You see, I was so focused on the failures over the past 36 hours that I never gave others a chance to give me grace. I never gave myself a chance to take grace. I'm always counting myself out, selling myself a little too short. but it was in those moments when I was shown the true love of God. It wasn't in the good and quiet moments. It was in the hard, in the difficult, in the down right frustrating moments that I learned God's grace in a real authentic way.

I paddled. everyday. down white water. and I don't tell you that to brag about the challenge, but I tell you to explain that every day on the water was unpredictable. Some days were filled with sunshine and lots of flipped canoes, while others were filled with rain and a team that just smacked the Hiwassee in the face. At the end of the week, I left with tired arms and a brave spirit.

It was foggy and the rapids were splashing cold water on us. It was the fourth day of being on the river and I just needed a good day on the water. The day before was filled with panic, chaos, and bitter cold. Consumed with the fears from the day before, I was convinced that it was not going to be a good day. but my focus was on failure. not on Jesus.

I had a girl who was a lot like me in the front of my boat. She had strength within her that could not be explained, a fire in her eyes that exuded a deep passion only a few are gifted. The night before she, along with a few others, expressed her nerves. Now, she was a wonder to behold as she yelled and laughed going down the most difficult rapid on the river. She turned back around with the biggest smile I've ever seen across her face. In that moment she did not care about nerves. She did not care about flipping. In that moment, she was free and that was a beautiful thing to witness.

I've been thinking a lot about that moment recently because I am overly focused on the details of my own canoeing journey. I am constantly trying to figure out the potential problems in the next rapid and when I hit one and tumble over, I spend too much time saying "i told you you would fall. just stay in the water because you'll never get it right." But what I learned from my friend was that your focus has to be on Jesus. it has to be on the journey. you have to let your feet find the floor even if you've crashed into the gnarliest rock. you have to give yourself grace. I've never seen God's grace that clear before but man was it breath-taking.

Sean said in the boat one afternoon: 

I can't wait to see what you write about for this week. 

and as always I could go on and on about lessons I learned and people I love. 

but the most important lessons I learned were:

believe in yourself.

[because your creator believes in you]

have a brave spirit.  

[because He makes you brave]

give yourself a chance to fall

[because He'll be there to catch you]

and when you do:

let yourself find the floor once more.

and no matter what. keep paddling.

Hallelujah. Amen.