...To Love

night turns to morning

you have been waiting

whispering to me

gently I'm waking

-----

Every day in the life of an [almost] twenty year old is full of the highs and the lows. But that is why I have the mountains inked on my shoulder. To remind me that He is still good no matter where I'm at on the journey. For the people who read my last post, you know what this week has been for me. I even deleted it after it being posted for only 24 hrs because the shame was still creeping over me. I was afraid. I'm learning, though, that even in those scary moments he still says: I choose you.

On a thursday afternoon, I was sitting with Natalie in the rain. I confessed the things I've been letting hold me this week and I realized that my heart is so desperately needing Him. I have been searching for something like Him in this world and my hands have come up bruised and bloody. I've been searching for grace from people. but what I really need is grace from my Heavenly Father. What my heart really is aching for is standing in front of me calling me beloved, waiting for me to come home. My whole being is just needing Him, which is both relieving and scary to know that He is the only thing that will satisfy these dry bones.

Have you ever thought about grace? 

I have and I don't get it. I don't understand why God would risk so much of himself. He is so vulnerable with us. He gives us his heart, his breath, his eyes. and most of the time we treat him with dishonor. Why after that would he still choose us? Why would he still love us after we nailed him to the cross? The answer you've been looking for, is laying within you. It's the parts of you that no one knows about. Those beautifully undone parts of you that only the Lord sees. It's your DNA, your temperament, your fingerprints. You are made of God-dust. and he absolutely 100% ridiculously and outrageously loves you. 

Honestly, I'm speaking to myself here because I have such a hard time believing all of that. but today I was reminded that I'm not alone. Today I was reminded that he continues to pursue us when we run and hide in fear of his rejection. He loves us when we don't want to love him. even when we don't know him. he loves us. end of story. no ifs ands or buts. he loves us. 

We have been sleep walking around this earth trying to find our beds. and now it's morning. the dawn has come. Our Father is calling us home, guys. He IS the grace we've been searching for! He's the love and affection we have been waiting for. He is.

We've got to encourage each other to wake up and go home. It's time we go home to love. He's waiting for us there. We can't hide anymore. I can't hide anymore. I can't live in guilt and shame. it's eating me alive to do that. I want to be whole. I don't want to be broken. and I know I always will be broken - I'll always be human. but God looks at me and sees Jesus; He sees perfection. and loves me according to my name (beloved: always loved). 

I am worthy of being known. 

I am worthy of being loved.

and so are you. 

Go home to Him. He wants to rescue you from all that hurt you feel. He wants to heal you from it too. He wants to tell you how loved & known you really are. 

sure, I'll walk with you. because it's about time I go home too. 

Em