Here

I would be lying if I told you life got exponentially easier when I started following Jesus. Don't let anyone fool you into thinking that. It's hard. and it costs you everything: convenience, selfishness, money, time, career. He calls us to take up our crosses and die to self every second of every day. I'd be lying if I told you that cross was easy to carry and giving up my life was something I didn't fight. but there are weeks like this when I feel like I can't get anything right. I sat around the word on Wednesday night with my bible study and just decided it was time I stop acting like I have it all together. and today, I let the tears roll because I cannot hide from my community much longer. So here I am, broken and restless. sharing my story with you so that in this glorious triumph Jesus will get the fame he deserves.

Life can be hard, especially following Jesus. I'm still trying to figure out what normal person gives up a comfy life in America to serve in Kenya for a semester. I guess it's a girl who is so desperate to be close to God that she does what He says. and believe me when I tell you He has opened so many doors through this process. Honestly, having the chance to go serve Him there is a miracle all in itself. but that doesn't mean it's easy. actually, it's gotten harder. I've had to learn to be okay with the fact that I will forget homework assignments and I will get little sleep so that I can fill out paperwork and I have to give up social time with friends to meet with professors and make phone calls. I have to rest in the fact that God works all things together for my good and if that is the case then why wouldn't the risk management committee approve my request and why wouldn't I receive a passing grade in Calculus?

but even on the hard days, I cannot give up - I refuse to give up. Something within me says Jesus is worth all this fight, His fame and glory are worth losing sleep over. So I shoot a text to people in my community. and I give it to them straight: I am struggling. and what I've seen is God's ability to love me through those people. and I am not used to this kind of love. I am not used to someone speaking truth into my life, I fight it even. But I let them love me and I learn through it to receive God's grace. and I see that this is what it's like to be vulnerable with people. sometimes it does't feel great, but the freedom of letting others love you is one that I am learning to count as a gift. and through this freedom I do not lose hope "because I know in whom I have entrusted my life for the day."

He is every good thing within me. His love allows me to love others. His patience is my patience. His grace helps me open up to the people close to me. His heart wraps around mine until I am at rest. His protection and reminders of love let me have bad days that don't turn into a bad life. He is what keeps me alive. When I choose to die to self, I experience the fullness of life as I see Him clearly with my waking eyes [even on the hard days].

May you be vulnerable with those around you. and may Jesus wrap you in his arms today as you take up your cross and follow.

EM