I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wastelands
Isaiah 43:19
I didn't know what this verse was talking about when I first read it on my journal. But I took it, knowing that God would reveal himself when it was right.
The first few days of this internship, my spirit fought back so hard. The walls were up and they weren't coming down. These people, my team, my community, didn't deserve to know who I was. I was afraid that if they knew the real me that they would walk away. More than that, I was afraid of who they'd see. So I let them see one side. Some of you know her. She has everything together, she loves Jesus with every ounce of her on the daily, she is 100% healed from her past and brings no baggage with her. Turns out I was only hiding from myself.
Only 2 days in Africa and I landed myself on Kadie's couch. I'm not good at being vulnerable. It's hard for me to open up to people I just met. I feel isolated. I don't feel seen, I cried as Kadie looked on with those eyes that say, I see you. and I know your pain. I am safe. and it wasn't that I needed to be coddled - I just needed to hear the truth. She spoke as I tried my best to let my head and my heart receive it all. I repeated myself for Carson and Anna because community means no man left behind. And by letting them in, I was ultimately letting God do what he wanted to all along; show me how loved and seen I really can be.
1/17/15
You have to let go to be able to receive. Loss before Peace
By the next morning, we were packed up for our first community visit. I felt ready - with my team behind my back. It wasn't long before the enemy was convincing me otherwise. I confessed to Mary London who then said: you can't let something like this rob your joy. you just can't. Talk to your team, find truth in the Lord, but don't sit in this. and so verse after verse I wrote down. I was honest with my team about my feelings, knowing full well they weren't truth. When my team stood by me through my spirit fighting back, I knew that I was not defined by those things but by Christ and Christ alone. Another wall was down. and God moved in a little more.
1/19/15
With tear stains on my shirt and dirt covering my feet, I have realized why I am wrestling with my spirit. I had unknown expectations. Not on the internship, but on myself. I expected to ride the river to the holy land. I expected my problems not to travel with me. and that's just not realistic. I am, however, free from those things. Jesus, you say it's true. So I'm choosing to believe you now.
That's how it all begins. You let your walls down: scared and trembling. God moves in. Things don't get easy - it's not a straight path home. but I'll tell you one thing: it's worth the wrestle. That's when I realized what God was saying to Isaiah. He makes ways in the wilderness. We still have to go through but we don't have to navigate. and when we feel like we are empty and dry, LOOK! he is making streams in the wasteland. It won't be pretty, but it will be authentic and real and true. and that's all I really want anyways.
Here's to learning how to trust in the most real way possible, for letting go and gaining peace, and for walking through the wilderness with my Jesus. May his Joy lead you to everlasting life.
Bwana Safiwe [Praise God!]
Emily
[picture by Carson Travers]
The first few days of this internship, my spirit fought back so hard. The walls were up and they weren't coming down. These people, my team, my community, didn't deserve to know who I was. I was afraid that if they knew the real me that they would walk away. More than that, I was afraid of who they'd see. So I let them see one side. Some of you know her. She has everything together, she loves Jesus with every ounce of her on the daily, she is 100% healed from her past and brings no baggage with her. Turns out I was only hiding from myself.
Only 2 days in Africa and I landed myself on Kadie's couch. I'm not good at being vulnerable. It's hard for me to open up to people I just met. I feel isolated. I don't feel seen, I cried as Kadie looked on with those eyes that say, I see you. and I know your pain. I am safe. and it wasn't that I needed to be coddled - I just needed to hear the truth. She spoke as I tried my best to let my head and my heart receive it all. I repeated myself for Carson and Anna because community means no man left behind. And by letting them in, I was ultimately letting God do what he wanted to all along; show me how loved and seen I really can be.
1/17/15
You have to let go to be able to receive. Loss before Peace
By the next morning, we were packed up for our first community visit. I felt ready - with my team behind my back. It wasn't long before the enemy was convincing me otherwise. I confessed to Mary London who then said: you can't let something like this rob your joy. you just can't. Talk to your team, find truth in the Lord, but don't sit in this. and so verse after verse I wrote down. I was honest with my team about my feelings, knowing full well they weren't truth. When my team stood by me through my spirit fighting back, I knew that I was not defined by those things but by Christ and Christ alone. Another wall was down. and God moved in a little more.
1/19/15
With tear stains on my shirt and dirt covering my feet, I have realized why I am wrestling with my spirit. I had unknown expectations. Not on the internship, but on myself. I expected to ride the river to the holy land. I expected my problems not to travel with me. and that's just not realistic. I am, however, free from those things. Jesus, you say it's true. So I'm choosing to believe you now.
That's how it all begins. You let your walls down: scared and trembling. God moves in. Things don't get easy - it's not a straight path home. but I'll tell you one thing: it's worth the wrestle. That's when I realized what God was saying to Isaiah. He makes ways in the wilderness. We still have to go through but we don't have to navigate. and when we feel like we are empty and dry, LOOK! he is making streams in the wasteland. It won't be pretty, but it will be authentic and real and true. and that's all I really want anyways.
Here's to learning how to trust in the most real way possible, for letting go and gaining peace, and for walking through the wilderness with my Jesus. May his Joy lead you to everlasting life.
Bwana Safiwe [Praise God!]
Emily
[picture by Carson Travers]
Wow wow wow, learning from you already. I pray that you continue to gain such peace! Love you always
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