In the Falling Apart

Remember when I wrote about the hard season? and how I wanted to be honest about where I was? I put my heart on my sleeve and wore it like a raggedy banner of brokenness. I did not know then, but I wrote that for future me. because future me woke up on a Monday morning to a call from her dad. She and her papa drove 6 hours to a hospital. For the first time, she encountered what it means to love deeply. She wasn't ready to let go, but she told her grandfather, "Go. We will be okay. You can go." She was not ready, but she let him go. and I say she, but that's my mind tricking my heart, trying to distance itself. 

I      I      I      I      I

I am doing everything I can to breathe.  "Am I really here? Is this really happening?" The weight of death is too heavy for a 20-year-old, but then again, I don't think anyone is strong enough to carry it. My heart begins to feel the small tear and then all at once, like a Tennessee thunderstorm, there is an outpouring of blood. In the wake of it all, there is a hole that can only be filled by the love of a grandfather. 

It's no surprise to anyone when life throws us the heavy, but somehow the weight of it all is startling on the ends of our fingertips when we feel it for the very first time. I am not accustomed to its ins and outs. The days grow longer from the time that I sat on a green chair wishing that this was all a dream. but I am still alive. I am still breathing. I am still praising.

When I embarked on a journey to East Africa last semester, I felt as if my heart's desire was being fulfilled. What I didn't anticipate was how hard it would be: the inner fight between me and my flesh, the lies, the vulnerability, the bravery, and living in community. I remember telling my team at the time, "it feels like God has bulldozed my house and leveled the land it was on. I don't even recognize it or myself. why is he doing this now?" I was wrecked. but He was working.

I went back home thinking everything would return to normal. I was different, though, and even the easy stuff became difficult. I wanted to run, but I went to camp. They noticed something was off, but I acted like it was nothing. When I finally came around to the idea that life looked a lot different since I had come back from Africa, I let them in. Again, I battled lies and flesh like never before. "Jesus what are you preparing me for? Why am I enduring this?" I did not feel like myself. but He was working. 

We love to ask why in the midst of it all. why me? why now? why him? Jesus sits and lets us ask our whys. He gently strokes our back. He calms the parts in us that are mad as fire and creates a space for brokenness, a space for healing. What I have learned and continue to learn in the grieving of my grandfather is this: in the falling apart, Jesus is still Jesus. He is still seated on His throne and I will crown Him even in the middle of heartache, because I am in the middle of heartache. and in the time of mourning, I see how God was working in East Africa to show me how to be broken and at camp to build a foundation that cannot & will not be shaken. He is an immovable force. I could be ruined. I could be completely split into a horcrux. but i'm not. 

I'm not searching for the praise or the "im sorry" or the attention. I am merely pointing out the faithfulness of Jesus in every season. seriously. every single one. My grandpa's favorite verse is Jeremiah 29:11 (very fitting for this).

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans for a hope and a future.

and my grandmothers favorite verse? well it's mine too. Isaiah 54:10

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken and my covenant of peace will not be removed, says the Lord who has compassion on you.

He has been working. and He continues to work. Even in the falling apart. Even when my world is shaken, He is not. and for that I will praise Him always.

So here's to my grandpa and here's to a wildly broken but beautiful journey with Jesus. I will crown you in every season.

Em