My heart is tensing up thinking of it all: the honesty, the raw flesh laying bare, the vulnerability. No one is immune to hard seasons and yet we put on the show of perfection for the world. We put on our boots, we button our shirts, and we cover up our teary eyes. We try and escape the feelings that frankly suck. Through Instagram, snapchat, blogs, and Facebook - we create a false picture of what our lives look like in the every day. but not here, not this time. I want to feel.
I may not be ready to say it, to call this season what it is. But I feel Jesus leading me to share it regardless of how I feel. So I'm choosing to trust Him.
This season has been filled with the messes I continue to make and the astounding grace of Jesus that leads me out. I have foolishly tried and tried to find something to satisfy the longings in my heart. I have worked until my fingers bled and still come up with nothing. I thought for a moment that maybe the lie that I'm not enough was true, but it was deeper than that. I knew that - I know that. But the lack of satisfaction has bred complacency in my heart.
My feeble attempts at love, escape, glory, worthiness, and fullness have me exhausting for more than these. My prideful heart deceives itself in thinking it can somehow work through this; "there isn't anything we can't fix," it screams as it's battle cry. But the battle is futile because Jesus has already won. Still, my heart remains in struggle.
dear heart: lay down the sword. the battle is over. take the armor off.
It wasn't until I was stripped bare of everything that I realized what God was showing me:
Your joy and peace come from me. Your satisfaction comes from me.
Your worthiness? It comes from me.
It does not come from the pursuit of a man. It does not come in perfect community. It does not come from alcohol.
Joy comes from the joy-maker. Full and real satisfaction come from sitting in the arms of Jesus when it's hard and your angry at Him and letting Him speak to your heart anyways.
I refuse to be numb to pain because that makes you numb to joy. I want to feel the heartache and the heart-cries. I am stripped bare and I am hoping in Jesus' peace. I will run my fingers [still bleeding from the trying my hardest] across my tattoo that reads beloved because the one who calls me by this name defines my worthiness. and I will go to my safe place angry - and He will satisfy the longings.
Jesus is not in the picture perfect. He is not in the all put together. He does not dwell in the unshattered spaces. Rather He is in messy. He is in the ugly. He is in the hopeless. He is in the hard seasons. always.
And today that's where I am finding Him. I'm finding Him in the honesty. In the weeping. In the exhaustion. and I am satisfied because He is here holding me. because my heart knows: He's enough.
Dear Friend, press on in the hard. Cry out. Be angry. Be sad. Let yourself feel it all. and take it to Jesus. Collapse into him and feel it all. If you need help carrying it, I'll be there for you. Because Jesus is worth it. and He's big enough to satisfy those deep longings.
He is restoring us. He is doing a new thing in us.
Praises.
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