Enough to Hold

real question: what actually is rest? 

current lesson I am learning ^^^

I leave for Africa in about a week. To say I am busy is an understatement and that has left me exhausted in every area. I have dug deep to explain my heart to those closest to me before I leave. I have tried to find the right words to express how I'm feeling. but honestly? I feel like I have nothing left in me to give before I go. Each moment I've gotten this past week does not feel like enough to hold me for a semester. Each hug goodbye, each tear, each I love you doesn't feel like enough. I can spend hours with people and walk away feeling like I had more to say. Am I ready to leave? well I'm not so sure.

but wait.

These things aren't supposed to hold me. That's not what they're there for. That's what my Father is for. and thank goodness he knows how I feel. His word even says: "for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."[psalm103:14] oh wow. He remembers that I am but dust, that I only have so much before I have nothing left. He doesn't expect dust to be enough because He is the enough we are searching for. He will hold me this semester so how can I be empty when I have the enough living life with me daily?

I fight it, though, like a child who has not napped. I have become aggravated and distant not because I don't care but because I am so spent. I don't want to tell this story for the 10th time. It hurts and revisiting it drives the knife in deeper. but I heard words today that are changing me.

"You have to fight to tell your story. When those words are finally on paper, they no longer have the power to hurt you. When you tell your story you create space for others to get free" 

So I'll keep writing tonight, keep telling you about my messy brokenness of a life. I feel empty as a gas can. I went in search for the words of my Father for....? strength, wisdom, comfort? all of the above. This is what I found:

"for the Lord will rebuild Zion and appear in his glory. He will respond to the prayer of the destitute; he will not despise their plea. Let this be written for a future generation, that a people not yet created may praise the Lord: the Lord looked down from his sanctuary on high, from heaven he viewed the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners and RELEASE those condemned to death" [psalm102:16-20] [emphasis added]. 

He will come to me/to us. He will respond to my plea for strength. He looks down and hears me cry and COMES TO SET ME FREE. He has come to hold me and save me so that I may praise the Lord. When I hear those words I breathe a sigh of relief knowing he's got it worked out. I don't have to do anything to get this grace of his. but I am called to move because of his response. When Jesus healed the paralyzed man He told him to get up, take his mat, and walk free in the name of the Lord. So while I do not have to heal myself, I am still called to get up and walk free. I am called to tell my story no matter how much it hurts - no matter how exhausted I feel.

We get one chance to live this life of ours. We get one chance to live our story that was written before time. We get one life to commune with our Father here in this place. So I will fight to tell my story that future generations may praise the Lord. I will walk free and let him hold me when I am exhausted. I will rest in Him, for he knows that I am dust. and always, always he will be the enough I need to hold me.

would you allow him to do and be the same in you? What would life look like for you if you did?
just food for thought.

Em